You are your own worst enemy.

My last post was rather positive and optimistic. Just two days later, and I couldn't be feeling any more different!

I remember a few times at school when teachers told me I was my own worst enemy. I was a bit of a geek; I enjoyed school and (even worse) took pride in having neat handwriting and nice stationery. If I'm honest, I still like to write neatly on pretty matching stationery. Shopping for stationery is definitely a guilty pleasure since it is oddly satisfying - but few people seem to share this with me. Apart from seven year old girls who are buying their first flowery pencil cases with matching rubbers (that don't rub out), rulers and pencil sharpeners. In fact, each year for Christmas I begged my parents to get me one of those pencil cases which folded out and were full of a million coloured pencils and felt tip pens; I didn't care that these things were superfluous to my needs - I just wanted to pore over the matching pens and pencils, it didn't matter whether I needed them or not.

As I got older, though, it was more a case of making sure that essay was tweaked to perfection or that the solutions to my maths homework were well-presented and in the most efficient manner. I would work for hours and hours, which in hindsight was not exactly necessary. I was a perfectionist, and I would worry myself stupid about (again, in hindsight) unnecessary things.

Going to uni though, I calmed down. My tutor in sixth form was amazing in making me realise that there was no need to get stressed out about work. Even struggling through my first year, doing a subject that seemed to not be quite the best choice for me, I remembered that it didn't really matter. I was happy, meeting new people and doing new things. But old habits have a habit of resurfacing. I worried endlessly about exams, the dangerous "what if...?" situation. Unfortunately, I did have reason to worry that time but somehow I managed to get through.

Now, I find that my mind just wants to ruin me. Well, maybe not ruin me - that seems to be a little strong. If I considered times when I have been sad or feeling a bit low, I'd wager that a large proportion of those instances are due to me! Why do we seek to put ourselves down? Are we taught as children that we have so many weaknesses that must be improved? Why are we not encouraged to revel in our strengths? It seems that education is less about learning, but more about ticking the right boxes and being of a satisfactory standard across the board. Should we apply this to real life? Should we seek out what we are weak at and work at those to make ourselves "better"? Or should we focus on what we are naturally talented at, and work at those to make them incredible?

"I need to be more confident."...."Oh, my presentation skills need work."...."I need...."... There are so many things that people say regarding their weaknesses, and I think we should really take time to appreciate our strengths. Of course, it is noble to evaluate oneself fairly and consider what one's weaknesses are. But I think that it is all too easy to let these weaknesses take over.

I have a terrible habit of doubting myself, or thinking too deeply into a situation. I let my mind get carried away until I find myself sobbing myself stupid over something that, at the end of the day, is not so bad. I like to consider the consequences or various things, until it leads me to a conclusion that scares me, or upsets me. Sometimes it can even be a good ending. Is this a weakness? Perhaps, for my sanity yes. Or for my poor boyfriend who is left wondering what on earth has happened to turn me into the puffy eyed quivering wreck infront of him. Maybe, just maybe, this could be a strength. I can look forward and consider the consequences of my actions, or the actions of others. I hypothecate and debate in my mind the likelihood of various situations. I, if considering rational ideas and those not so close to me emotionally, can come to a balanced and justified conclusion.

So, all in all. Weaknesses aren't that bad. You just have to find the right situation for them to be a strength.